9:05am, I peeked over to my boyfriend's phone.
"DY:Hey guys, I'm not going for ss, I'm still running a fever. Please pray for mee."
Who's DY? I asked Yan Wei, then I saw the name when the whatsapp convo showed up. Oh it's Angel. I didn't pray for her, figured she will get better.
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5:36am
I was watching Ong Bak 2 with my boyfriend, Wei. We were in a middle of a fighting scene where the main character is gonna kill off the man who nearly made his life miserable.
Then, my boyfriend exclaimed, "Eh! Angel passed away leh!"
I was shocked. "Eh... You sure or not? Don't joke leh!"
He called the best friend up. In a matter of minutes, the facts were laid bare to me. Angel fell off from her house's window on the 10th floor at 1plus pm. The thought of suicide did not even come into my mind. She, a sweet, innocent, blur girl, with a running fever probably toppled from the ledge due to giddiness. She would not have committed suicide. Why was I so certain? Because she is a bubbly girl whose close friend's can even vouch how strong she is in her faith and I can see it for myself. I found myself tearing as I packed my bag to meet the boys up for dinner, hoping to seek condolences from one another. After all, it is this BA family that made me understand what God's grace and mercy to sinners really mean. After all, it is this BA family that provided me shelter after I run away from my previous church, hurt, wounded, scarred and alone because I could not do what they could do.
No wonder Auntie Dorothy, the Senior Pastor's wife was crying, and so was Cheryl, his daughter as she teared over the phone contacting her sister.
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10 something am, sometime after Lincoln's whacking sermon.
I was looking at the BAY internship allocation. Angel Tan, Constance Tan, Gaby Goh. Assigned to intern at the Pre-Nursery and Nursery level. I was laughing at Gaby because she does not really like kids, and thinking how much fun Angel and Constance will have especially Angel because she can get to play with Toby, the Youth Pastor Ivan's elder son.
************
The following week when Angel is around, Gaby wouldn't need to do so much babysitting. Or so that was what Wei and I thought as we recounted the day's shocking event crashed upon our heads. Time didn't really seem to matter, I knew Death was always lurking around. Just a last week, my girl friend, Lizzie's grandaunt and grandpa just passed away. Before that, a church auntie whom I work closely in church with, Auntie Cindi's sister passed away. Left right centre. My mind is in a whirl. I just did not want to go home because I know I will cry if left alone.
I always knew that God is in control and no matter how weird things may be, we just got to believe that he is in control. But easier said then done when you hear a 17 year-old bubbly innocent girl die reported died. I will not claim to be very close to her, but close enough to feel the black hole of despair. It's just sad to know that someone whom you can clique with in church is no longer physically around. The idea that I will never see her again is still surreal. But wait, hold that thought there, I told myself. I will see her in heaven right? That is if she truly fell off the ledge giddy with no intention. & who told me she committed suicide? My mom said she might have committed suicide after I told her she fell off from the 10th floor of her house. I refuse to believe her. I choose to say that she truly fell off the ledge giddy with no intention of suicide and God wants her home now, because this girl is so innocent and blur, she might not be able to survive in this cruel world that is ripping my mind apart from a re-practicum and constant battle of the pride and self-pity demons. I choose to believe that God wants this faithful girl to go back home to him now.
& the reason why I am still surviving in this cruel world? So that I can type this out and preach to the world that "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1)
I now scour every single memory I have of her, photographic, audio, or just the name and mentions. Whilst at that, walking back home, Wei and I recalled how preachers like Marc, my bible study leader, and Ivan would tell us that we could be having lunch with someone and the next few minutes after a goodbye, they would no longer be around. Except that we didn't get to see Angel, she had to stay at home to recuperate. Her death, a timely reminder of how we have to be serious in our roles are disciples of Christ, that our friends, whom we love may no longer be around the next moment we turn our heads. We will truly not be able to see them ever if we do not tell them about the Good News. I slackened after my granny's death, because her death made me disillusioned and I lost my courage to. If such is the reminder God give us to jerk us out of our comfort zone to warn us that the end is near, then it's about time we got off our procrastinating coward ass and start executing our duties to preach and to evangelise. Or else, Angel would have died for nothing. & Christ would have even more so died for nothing if I did not live the way I should as his disciple and a Child of God.
The first time I heard of Angel would have been from Wei during our first V-day together as he shared with me how he made a joke about birthdays on Christmas using Angel's Birthday. "You know whose birthday is it today?" "WHO? ANGEL?" *Facepalm*
The last time I remembered seeing her around was at church camp sitting at the sofa of my villa with Constance. Watching Ironman. But, she did come last week, and I have a vague memory of her around with Constance and Charlene joking around. Everything is slowly becoming fuzzy, and I want to take the memory down before I completely forget about it. After all, the best way to keep a died person alive is through our memories.
During dinner, we exchanged memories of how blur this Angel was. The Mushroom Cream Pasta from Ottimo that I normally would gobble down now seemed hard to swallow. Tried to lighten up the mood by starting the first "Think of the bright side". She is now with God. Everyone agreed autonomously. Then I heard from one of the boys that a running gag was that people would tell her that God must be looking for his missing angel in heaven, because she is on earth. Sounds like a bad pick up line. But how fitting, the joke was for such an occasion. An Angel has returned to heaven.
A catharsis of words. But still not thorough. I still feel grieve. I still tear as I type this blog post. You made me break my silence on my blog just to type about you Angel. The girl born on December 25. Always smiling and forever remain innocent in my mind. There is still so much to be said but I know not how to express it beyond this. I do not know any other way to end this blog post off. Maybe except for R.I.P Angel, the girl with such an apt name. See you in a few years time.
