I'm typing this post as I'm sitting on my bed feeling ambivalent knowing that it's my last day in hall.

But a bit nostalgic though... ...

I wrote a note to my roomie, thanking her for allowing me to use her fridge and tolerating my nonsense. She is a PRC student, same age as me and she is pretty awesome and pretty too.

To think the year before I was rooming with my dad's friend's daughter whom I had been to the same school as her since young and practically all the way to uni, only getting to know her better as a roomie.

Clashes do occur, but oh well... we all kept quiet and tolerated.

The next roomie will be a vietnamese girl who is exactly one year older than me; she has the same birthday as me. How exciting is that! But that is if I get a place in hall.

It's been 2 years in the same room with different roomies and different toiletmates(there is a conjoined toilet in between every 2 rooms in where I'm staying), and different neighbours. Regardless, it's been nice knowing all of them.

ok signing off from this post to get packing and bathing. This is a memory to be noted down.

I'm a human afterall, but I wanna be a good human

and while I'm trying to do that, I'll try to be a good child of God.

Exams are over and another reality sets in. I have to make choices and I dunno which one to decide on 1st... God will guide me... Step by step...

Ok I made the biggest mistake of my life... and I will not elaborate here. The point is that I need to be more tactful and I need to pray to God 1st before I do anything else...

ok and back to decisions... To be or not to be... ...

Leader or follower or supporter... ...

Marketplace ministry Vs Innercourt ministry... ...

God please help me make the right decisions and help me say the right thing?

Psalms 3

I will blog about today's Bible Study cos I think it is very appropriate.

The background: I did something I shouldn't and I'm begining to scare myself.

Million Dollar question as asked by Darren: What keeps you awake at night?
We all agreed it is extreme emotions that keep us awake.

So yeah, I did something stupid and I'm feeling guilty about it. And I shouldn't even bother about it. Cos I'm just an idiot...

No I'm not an idiot, stop it devil. I'm a child of God. Do not attack my confidence and say that God will not deliever me; and do not stop me from shining as a beacon unto others. My sinful human nature tears me apart. But I will not give in. The Lord will guide me!

So yeah, I'm emoing and nobody actually realises the tears behind the smiles. and I'm openly writing this on my blog to see who actually will notice my blog and who actually notices. When someone emos, everybody will rush to one's side and superficially comfort them. No I do not need comfort, I need support and company. I'm almost doubting who I can even trust and I'm becoming paranoid.

*My real friends will stand by me through this. But does that mean those filtered out, who aren't my real friends are enemies? What do they say behind my back?*

There goes my confidence again. Snap out of it gal.

How are we coping with anxiety and how do/can we cope?
Read versus 3-6 of Psalms. The real foes are insecurities attacking our relationshop with God & not the personal grudge we have of other people.

What have I learnt?
God will always be there for us; as in seriously, if he chosen us, he will never forsake us. So he will deliever me from my sinful nature. God is the real friend that I have been looking for but he has actually been there for me the whole time.


Prayer requests:
I pray for all the lonely poor wretched souls in the world who have yet to feel God's love and has been tormenting and emotionally blackmailing people around them due to that emptiness. I also pray for the wisdom to deal with challenges in the world. And the discipline to get off fb or even the internet.

AND... The bible said, if a part of my body causes me to sin, cut it off; and since my addiction to the internet and connection to fb hence caused to me to be inappropriate, sin and be distracted, I WILL cut it off. In order to control myself, I have decided to cut myself off from the internet when I'm doing work. Most importantly, cut off from fb. So LAN cable, off u go after I post this up. Devil and sinful flesh u will not prevail.

Ok now back to Language Acquisition and Development.

Out of Some Weird Revelation comes Many Other Questions

This week, I found out alot about a certain someone from my past, from a friend who was going around asking for numbers because he lost his hp. I questioned "How do I know it is not someone else hacking this com?" He replied "haha, good one. Cos I'm ur chem rep." ok passed. and yes, it was weird. He was the last few people to realise that there was someone that treacherous in our midst last time. hmm... ... Took him long enough, people are begining to forget about that person already.

But that was not the weirdest of my revelation. I begin to see things in different perspectives. Thanks or not to William Blake.RIP. I think he's semi-autistic or something. I really had to plough my brains inside out to figure this dead poet. He freaked me out quite abit initially. Then as I critically analyse the text, I found that I sympathsized with him. And no I ain't gonna be a anarchist anytime soon. or ever. I mean... Dude he is cool and revelutionary for his time. and still is today. He said things like "Excess of sorrow laughs and Excess of joy weeps."(from Marriage of Heaven and Hell, Proverbs from Hell)*now that title was shocking wasn't it?* He is a dissentent Christian, but still is a christian after all. I hope he got his peace in heaven.

Subsequently after that, I saw that it is interesting how one tries to assume superiority over another.(or other). The result is halocaust. To prevent this halocaust, I take a step back. and wait and see, if possible, walk away, if not run, as fast as u can. Imagine if such a thing happened between u and a friend. hoho... ... u can't run or walk away. Somebody please enlighten me? Somebody please remind me what Blake said about true friends? okok and what does the Bible say? When is it u fight, stay and be meek, or walk away?

My mind was in a frenzy yesterday and I couldn't quite do my Orientalism essay. But now I'm almost done. Sleep works wonders. Thank God for rest. :)

Now I'm wondering y some people would say things that did not happen? or maybe spread infomation that concerns a person but it does not directly reach the ears of the person in question. I wonder... Oh and maybe someone would like to tell me y I decided to do some really outrageous stuff and follow people that does not care much about others but themselves. Or is it me thinking too much? Am I really that insecure and paranoid? When do one stop caring? Or rather when do one START caring? Hmm... ...




I still dunno what I'm doing. or writing. or trying too hard to express.

The burdens that I carry in my heart are not as great as the burden of Jesus.

And this I say in the light of my disobedience to the Lord and of lack of faith today. What a naughty girl/lil' sheep I have been.

I was supposed to bring my cell girls to macdonalds to celebrate one of the girl's birthday. But it was raining, and me of lil' faith decided to cancel it and hold it in the place where we would later have our chruch service as per usual. Why? cos I was afraid the rain would not stop and it would be heavy and that the girls would get wet and so would I. As I was about to gather them to go up, one of my girls told me that one delinquent wanted to come today, it was then when I realised my mistake of not setting the place at macs. Damn, I told myself and did not really set in deep in my heart. It was only when I settled down in the auditorium that I realised that the poor lost soul out there would join us if we had gone to macs, and could have followed us to service thereafter. I sat through the whole entire feeling that guilt. The service was also impactful and I was very very sure it would have touched her. Especially with the fact that she used to be a dancer for the youth service and the dance performance was excellent in terms of concept. I felt her pain, her loneliness flowing through me when I sat through service.

My greatest guilt lies in the fact that I've never donw anything, I've always been passion. It's time I got off my lazy butt and do something. No excuses for me of lil' faith.

I told my whole cell to pray for the girl and listen to the svc, but my heart was heavy laden to listen to the sermon carefully. Looking retrospectively, God was like saying to me, "see I told u not to rely on urself, I could have helped u but u just wanted it ur way. Now stop feeling guilty and pray for the next chance to come." And now this blog post is a post for me to lament over my guilt, and commit my whole entire christian ministry into God's hands. I have never fully felt the burden of being a leader until now. And I thank God better late than never. This new found leadership burden I have has never dawned upon me until today. The burden of shepharding his flock is tremendous, just a cell of at largest 6, and I'm already fretting. Compared to Jesus, my burdens are nothing. Jesus tends to a flock of billions (past & present) and counting(future) and he commits it to God. (The prayer at the Garden of Gethsemane) I better do that too. My cell leader answered alter call today and upon seeing so, I run up to her to pray for her. After that, I had my whole cell pray together for Bethia. Yes I would say her name here so that any Christian brother and sister who are reading my blog will pray for her. There's another, her name is Charlynn. She is very new to the faith.


So I better stop wallowing in self-pity and passiveness and start doing what God wants me to do.

Good Friday. SHALOM to the WORLD! & the men of my life?!

and yoz I'm back bloggin', I guess it might be a weekly thing. Until exams are over... I guess... Seeing how fickle and uncommited I am... ...


So anyway, it's Good Friday. SHALOM to the WORLD! *peace* Gonna love JC! *puts up a Jesus freak sigh* JC! JC! JC! JC! u rock! Rocking rock of ages! I know I'm going to heaven cos of him, and I know I'm loved by God(that's the most important for a lonely soul for me to know).

So what if I'm unattached?! The man of my life is GOD! and of cos my earthly Dad too. haha... Speaking of which, I recently met my eye candy while going back to hall. Interestingly, I started a minor discussion on religious issues. He is not attending FCBC anymore and is attending NCC, a church I have my reservations about. But I'll not judge I hope. and there is this idea of radical grace that I'm not too sure about... and I'm really curious what it meant... I'll have to ask my Bible Study group and blog about it for people to see. My other eyecandy that I knew from some camp said that he is attending NCC too, and our conversation would have turned religious too if we didn't got interupted by the fact that we had to get out of the train and move out to where we were supposed to go respectively. Man... I can be radical... ... I guess like what my good friend Bettina said, if this pastor's church can save lives, we should not judge. In the 1st place, all human's shouldn't judge which other, we should embrace each other with love.

Love is God's greatest command to us. If we truly obey God we must love each other. Love, not lust nor sex. Love. That's y Jesus died on the cross for us. But I still have my reservations about that church. People say they see the light when they go there, but remember that Satan's name is Lucifer, meaning the angel of light; so please dun go to the wrong light.

So about me saying SHALOM to the World! It's about the recent bomb attacks over at Mascow. My dad said all Muslims who only think of dragging people down in misery with them should die 1st before they do so... NaStY... ... as far as I know, his Malay friends are chillax types, so are mine. We can sit down over dinner, tea or coffee with them and debate with them over religious issues and we are still chill, I even get more insights into the Muslim faith and find that it is not excatly the same God we are worshipping too. Why can't all the Muslims in the 3rd world countries take in the soft side of the Quran; why the Jihad?! It's so sad seeing others drag them down together in misery. Satan u shall not prevail! u hear me?! U WILL NOT PREVAIL SATAN! God's Justice will prevail. *LOVE BEAM!!!! ZAP!!!! ZAP!!!!*

And some must be thinking why am I so open about mentioning my eye candies?(action, extra, whatever u say...) Well, I've got my thinking sorted out already, I'm surrendering my love life to God, cos the loneliness from not having a bf is what's gripping me the past 1 year or so, and today's sermon is about surrending everything to God. Like how Abraham surrendered to God his only son Issac and told what God told him to. I realised that I do not feel ashamed about it anymore, though my loneliness is still there, that's cos I need time to adjust. I believe God will find me a good husband, and not just any super good looking peagent king or part-time model that comes along. Kind and strong in faith they maybe, but if God says no, it's no. I ain't gonna be stubborn, ergo desperate anymore. Having said that, I pray that my heart will not harden and I'll gain more understanding and not moral superiority over people who only got attached upon a week or 2 of knowing their partners.

So love for lust aside, it's love the world, ur neighbours and enemies, and most importantly, love God. Shalom!

PS: I love my family! :3 ~ <3

PSS: This is the 1st time after a long time I'm allowing people on my bf to see my blog again. Cos as one have read my past few blogs and with the title change, I'm shifting focus for this blog.